Adventures in Mommyhood!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Major Blogging FAIL!

This is such a hard post to write. I have been putting it off for a few weeks...held back by my prideful nature and my inability to admit that I messed up :(

I am a total blogging failure!!

I started out this year with such good intentions...I was going to blog at least once a week, and I totally thought that I would more than accomplish this goal by participating in the Project 52 with a group of totally awesome mamas.

Then life struck :/ And man, does it pack a punch!!

2012 has been a really rough year so far...not only for my little family, but for my extended family as well.

I started the year fighting an uphill battle with breastfeeding, and then, just when I thought things were getting a bit better, I discovered that my adorable son has a milk-protein allergy. FUN. Dairy, by the way, is in nearly everything. I went from barely paying attention to ingredient lists to obsessively scouring them to find something, ANYTHING, I could eat. I am a total foodie, sothis whole *dairy-free* thing has put a serious damper on my life :(

And then there was the foreclosure...We did not get foreclosed on, but the guy who owned the house we had moved into in April 2011 did. I am still struggling with some major anger/resentment issues with this, as he absolutely knew he was going to lose the house when we moved in, yet he never said a word about it to us. He let us move in, knowing full well that we were having a baby, and never gave us a heads-up. Grrrrrr!! We got the official foreclosure notice in December, and I pretty much spiraled into a miserable cycle of fear, anger, anxiety, and despair. I am one of those people who needs security in life...I need to know that everything is going to be okay. And for the first time in a long time, I did not know that. And it wasn't as though Brandon & I could just couch-surf with friends and family for a few weeks until we figured out what our plan was...it is pretty darn hard to do that with a baby, no matter how accommodating our friends/family are. Plus, there was the whole Cash For Keys situation. Basically, the bank that now owned the house was making us a pretty sweet offer of a good amount of money to get out of the house...The only catch was that we had to be out within a fairly short amount of time. I don't know about you guys, but we can always use extra money...which made saying no to the offer pretty near impossible, despite the fact that we would be packing & moving at a frantic pace. After a few false starts, we found a place to move into, despite it not being in our ideal location. and so began the most frustrating experience - packing up an entire house while home alone all day long with a baby. UGH! We donated a lot of stuff to the local Thrift store & to friends/family, as we were moving from a large 4-bedroom house into a small 2-bedroom duplex. Moving week was hectic and stressful, but we made it! We get our Cash For Keys money today, which will finally give us some breathing room. There are boxes everywhere I look, but I am ok with that. I can unpack bit by bit and make certain that everything gets put away where it belongs :)

As if any of the above was not enough, we also had a heartbreaking medical situation in our family in 2012. After not feeling well for several months, our niece was diagnosed with Leukemia on March 19th. I cannot even begin to describe the emotional roller-coaster this has us riding...Fear, anxiety, denial, grief, sleepless nights, desperate pleas to God to heal her...You name it and we have felt it. Thankfully, the majority of these emotions have been replaced with hope & gratitude, as she is responding well to the chemo she is receiving. There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not ache because she has to experience such a scary & serious situation at a time in her life when she should be enjoying a carefree childhood, but I know for a fact that she WILL be cancer-free by the end of her 2-year course of treatment. It will be a tough road, but she is a fighter and she will triumph over cancer.

Oh - and don't forget...there is that whole *wedding* thing I am trying to plan for this Fall. Yeah...that is not so much happening right now. Right now we are waiting to find out if the State Park we are planning on having our wedding at will be open past July 1st, as it is one of the 70 State Parks slated to close due to budgetary issues. Fortunately, there are some local groups that are working to try to raise money so the park can stay open, but given how things have been lately (Hello, Murphy's Law!), I will not believe it until it actually happens.

So that is pretty much 2012 so far...I am beyond exhausted and so emotionally drained, yet I feel like I cannot let it rise to the surface where Lucas can sense it. So I push it down...Not exactly the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but it is pretty much all I have right now. I am in Survival Mode, and thing are never ideal when you are just trying to make it to the next day.

But there is hope!! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...Brandon finishes this semester at the end of this month, which means he will be home more in the evenings after working all day long :) And even though we were initially bummed about moving to Jamestown, I now know in my heart that we are going to love it here. Things WILL get better. It won't be today, and it probably won't be tomorrow, but it will be soon.

And now, I arrive at the purpose of this post. I am bowing out of the Project 52. I am more than a little embarrassed that I could not pull it together to make it happen, but I am so far behind at this point that catching up would only add more stress to my already way-too-full plate. Obviously, it was too ambitious of a project for me to attempt at this point in life. There is always next year, though :)

I am going to try to be better about blogging. Not so much for you guys, because I honestly have no idea who actually reads this stream-of-consciousness that I am putting to virtual paper. I blog for the love of blogging. I love reading other peoples' blogs, even if they are perfect strangers and there is little chance I will ever meet them in real life. I blog as a means to vent all these crazy things going on in my head. I blog to share my experiences (good & bad) with others. I blog so that my friends/family know what is going on in my life.

So that is pretty much it for today. Thanks for sticking around!! I promise - funny, sarcastic, goofy Lisa will be back soon :)

Friday, February 24, 2012

Project 52 ~ EIGHT

52:8

motherhood is:

for the dogs

Blazer, you were my first baby...
and you will always hold a very special place in my heart

but you are no longer my #1 little man

and you'll never be #1 ever again
(which makes me a little sad for you)

but you don't seem to mind (too much)
and you actually seem to enjoy the new family member
which makes me happy for you :)

and Lucas really enjoys you, which is awesome!

I love my dog. And I do not say that lightly. Blazer is a full-fledged member of our family, albeit the one who gets the least amount of attention these days. Sad Panda!

Blazer came into my life at a perfect time; he needed a new home and I needed something...I didn't know what it was that I needed, but I needed something. Turns out, I needed a massive dose of Blazer in my life! He quickly snuggled his way into my bed and into my heart, and I am truly not looking forward to the day when Blazer goes to Dog Heaven, as I will be completely and utterly heartbroken.

Up until I got pregnant with Lucas (and got super duper sick), Blazer went everywhere with us. We took long walks together, sometimes even 2 a day...Blazer went on car rides while we ran errands, and to friends' houses, and camping, and to the lake, and to visit my folks in the Bay Area...Blazer was my little prince and we both liked it that way.

Then along came the babe...and Blazer got pushed off his pedestal :(

I feel bad about it...I really do. I hardly ever take Blazer for walks now (although, in my defense, we live in the *mountain* mountains, and Blazer pretty much has free-roaming privileges when he goes out to take care of business), and running errands with a dog AND a baby is just a bit too much for me on most days...especially since Blazer does not quite understand that he can't just jump all over the baby. And most of the time when we are heading to a friend's house, it does not occur to us until we are halfway there that we could have brought Blazer :( Poor little man!!

BUT...and, yes, this is a big *but*, Blazer gets so much attention from Lucas, that it kind of makes up for the *parental neglect* he gets from me. Blazer is the ONLY person who consistently gets deep belly laughs from Lucas. Lucas is fascinated by Blazer and LOVES to watch him run around like a craze-o with his toys. And Blazer, my sweet neurotic dog, LOVES making Lucas laugh, and he LOVES the undivided attention he gets from his little brother.

I cannot wait for Lucas to get just a little bit bigger so I can watch the 2 of them run around together. Because if there is anything better than me & my dog, it is my son and my dog :)

Please be sure to check out the other Project 52's being done this year:

Shawna at styleberry BLOG

Courtney at FirecrackerMama

Karey at Orange Blossom Photography

Kate at wickedkate

Mahina at What We're Sayin...

Meghan at The Robersons

Laura Jo at The Daulton Dabbler

Chelsea at From Stanwood to Seoul

(PS - If you are doing one too, leave me a comment to let me know, including your blog address, and I will include you in this list)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Why My Guy Rocks!

Yes. I am totally writing one of those posts...You know the ones I am referencing...the schmaltzy gooey *Why MY Man is the Best EVER!* posts. Only mine is not so schmaltzy or gooey...

Yes, my guy does buy me jewelry...beautiful jewelry, in fact. He has never missed a holiday or special occasion and even when we agree on *no presents*, I still get one. Yet, this is NOT why my guy rocks. It is super awesome, but not why he is so swell...

Yes, my guy loves my cooking, and never fails to tell me so. He offers thoughtful suggestions on ways recipes could be improved upon, and I find myself in agreement with him 95% of the time. Yet again, this is NOT why my guy rocks. I am flattered he likes what I make us, but I think that is more due to the fact that we are both super foodies, and similar tastes, and I am super discriminating with regards to the recipes I try...

Yes, my guy helps out around the house. And yes, this is a work in progress. He & I have different ideas of *clean*, and it is not that he is a slob, he is simply a man (and therefore does not realize that the counters in the kitchen MUST be wiped down daily, if not 2-3 times a day). He can, however, fix anything and everything I have ever asked him to fix. He has fixed our DVD player twice now (something about blown capacitors...that I always turn into bad flux capacitor jokes) and has saved us a bundle in avoided purchases. Still, this is NOT why my guy rocks.

Why does her guy rock?? you must be asking yourself at this point. It's pretty simple...it all boils down to 2 things:

He rarely, if ever, tells me NO.

He is willing to do whatever he needs to do for the good of our little family.

With regards to the first, I don't mean to say that I have free reign to do whatever the heck I want to, because that is very far from reality. What I mean to say is that whenever there is something very important to me, he has always gone out of his way to make it happen. From my decision to cloth diaper Lucas to my getting an occasional evening out with the girls to just letting me be me...He has always been super supportive of my decisions/wants/desires, and the scant few times he has questioned me, it has always been with good reason. I love my guy, but I am not going to lie...I am the dominant personality in our relationship. He is far more laid back and mellow about things than I am, which is a good thing. We balance each other out. I keep him motivated and his head out of the clouds, while he helps me slow down and mellow out about about things. I shudder to think of the conflicts that would arise if he and I shared the same personality!!! He knows we are different people, and he knows how much I value my independence, within our relationship. And he knows how much I hate the word NO...kidding, but I guess I really do hate to be told no...You might think that I would take blatant advantage of such an acquiescing man, but I don't. I love AND respect my man waaaaay too much to use this to my advantage. In fact, I tell myself no many times before an idea or proposal even makes it to him. That's right...I shut myself down before even running things by him! I guess the word *no* is just easier to hear from yourself?

And as for the second reason my guy rocks...I cannot say enough about my fella and his willingness to do whatever needs to be done so our family is taken care of. He carries an 11-credit load at school, partially to further his education, and partially, honestly, for the GI Bill money. He also works part-time in order to bring more money home. And despite the fact that he is super busy with work and school, he makes it a point to come home between work and school to give me a break so I can shower. That is huge. If you don't have kids, you cannot possibly understand how major it is to be able to take a shower in peace and without having to keep an ear out for the baby monitor. Just this last weekend, I truly came to appreciate how much Brandon does for us. I ate a funky meal for dinner Friday night, and I was sick (super, duper sick) within hours of dinner. I was sick all Friday night, all day/night Saturday, and all day Sunday. Being sick for that long with a 4 1/2 mo. old is seriously no fun...and somewhat panic-inducing! Brandon stepped up to the plate, and took care of everything, with the exception of feedings. I am not even kidding here folks...he changed every single diaper, soothed, swaddled, entertained, bathed, changed repeated outfits, and was generally my hero. The best part? He did it all without complaining AND without my even needing to ask him to. He knew how sick I was (it takes a lot to keep me down that long), and he stepped up to the plate and rocked the weekend as the best Mr. Mom ever.

So that's pretty much why my guy rocks. I am ridiculously lucky, and thankfully I am very aware of just how lucky I am...because not thanking him for everything he does and not showing my appreciation would be a sin!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Project 52 ~ SEVEN

52:7

motherhood is:

clean...and then dirty...and then clean again...
and then dirty...
again...

laundry...oh, laundry...
such a love/hate relationship we have...

I love the smell of warm, freshly laundered clothes

(especially baby clothes and cloth diapers)

but I hate how the piles (of both clean & dirty) laundry
sit there and mock me...
wash me, fold me, put me away...

but playing with my baby is just way more enjoyable!

I used to be such a huge fan of doing the laundry. Pulling out the clean, warm laundry from the dryer and folding it, taking the time to smell the delicious dryer sheet smell...Ahhhhh...BLISS!

But now, the sheer volume of laundry that I am faced with is daunting...and, quite frankly, it is taking all the fun out of one of my favorite chores! There is baby laundry, which also includes his cloth diapers; our laundry, which includes the 2 outfits my hubby wears a day on the days he works at the cabinet shop; and then there is house laundry (towels, sheets, etc)...which adds up to quite a lot of laundry!

And I keep up with it...although it does take me longer than usual sometimes. I have had many a day where I wear pants I would not be caught dead in, and it was 100% because I was behind on laundry. And sadly, I have had the days where I have had to put Lucas in a disposable diaper or 2 (or 3) because I was behind on cloth diaper laundry.

But honestly? It is not going to kill Lucas to wear a disposable diaper here and there, and it certainly will not kill me to wear ugly pants. Spending time with my son is way more important to me than folding laundry, and like I said, I always get to it...eventually. My son has never not had clean clothes to wear, which is the important thing...as is the fact that spending hands-on time with my son has always come first :)

Besides, there is just something so relaxing about folding clean baby clothes while watching TV as my son sleeps at the end of the day.